Never Split the Difference by Christopher Voss

1 The New Rules

Overview

This chapter mostly covers the intro part of the book. It will explain why this is necessary in our daily life.

2 Be a Mirror

Mirroring

HOW TO CONFRONT—AND GET YOUR WAY—WITHOUT CONFRONTATION

Use the late night FM DJ voice
Start with "I'M Sorry"
Mirror
Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart
Repeat

Key Lessons

A good negotiator prepares, going in to be ready for possible surprises. a great negotiator aims to use her skills to revel the surprises she is certain to find
Don't commit to assumptions. Instead view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.
People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it's process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we're too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they're not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you've built.
Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist.) Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart.

There are three voice tones available to negotiators - The late night FM DJ voice. Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness. - The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It's the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encoraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you're talking. - The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback.

Mirror Work magic. Repeat the last three word of what someone has just said. We fear what's different and are drawn to what's similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which faciliates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encorage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.

3 Don't feel their pain

Neutralize the negative, reinforce the positive

as an emotion, anger is rarely productive - in you or the person you're negotiating with. It resist stress hormones and neurochemicals that disrupt your ability to properly evaluate and respond to situations.and it blinds you to the fact that you are angry in the first place, which gives you false sense of confidence.

Do an Accusation Audit

On the first day of negotiating class each semester, I master group through introductory exercise called "sixty seconds or she dies." I play a hostage taker and student has to convince me to release my hostage within a minute. It's an icebreaker that shows me the level of my students and it reveals to them how much they need to learn. (Here's a little secret: the hostage never gets out.)

students jump right in but finding takers is usually hard because it means coming to the front of the class and competing with the guy who holds all the cards. If I just ask for a volunteer, my students sit on their hands and look away. You have been there, you can almost feel your back muscle stance as you think. Oh, please don't call me. So, I don't ask. Instead, I say, in case you are worried about volunteering to roleplay with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance, it's going to be horrible.

After the laughter dies down, I then say, and those of you who do volunteer will probably get more out of this than anyone else. I always end up with more volunteers than i need

Key lessons

If you try to insert the tools of tactical empathy in your daily life, I encourage you to think of them as an extension of natural human interaction.

In any interaction, it pleases us to feel that the other side is listening and acknowledging our situation.Whether you are negotiating a business deal or simply chatting to the person at the supermarket. Creating empathetic relationship and encouraging your counterpart to expand on their situation is the basis of healthy human interaction.

these tools are nothing less than emotional best practices. they will help you to connect and create more meaningful and warm relationships. that they might help you extract what you want is a bonus.Human connection is the first goal.

With that in mind, I encourage you to take the risk of sprinkling this in every conversation you have. It might feel awkward and artificial at first, but keep at it. Learning to walk felt awfully strange too.

Tips

Imagine yourself in a counterpart situation. The beauty of empathy is that it doesn't demand that you agree with other person's ideas. By acknowledging the other person's situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. and once they know that you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use.
The reasons why counterpart will not end agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal. So, focus first on clearing barriers to agreement.
Pause after you label a barrier or mirror a statement. Let it sink in. Don't worry, other party will fill the silence.
Release the worst thing that other particles say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing the Accusation Audit in advance prepares you to the head of Negative Dynamics before they take root.
Remember, you are dealing with a person who want to be appreciated and understood. So, use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perception and dynamics.

4 Beware "Yes" - Master "No"

Key Lessons

Saying law in daily life is difficult for many people because it goes against the society's biggest social dictums and that is be nice
By turning niceness into a lubricant, we have leached off its meaning. A smile and a nod might signify, get me out of here as it means nice to meet you.
That's a death for good negotiator who gains their power by understanding their counterpart's situation and extracting information about their counterpart's desires and needs.
Extracting that information means getting the other party to feel safe and in control.

Anti niceness Lessons

Break the habit of attempting to get people to say yes. Being pushed for years makes people defensive.
No is not a failure. We have learned that no is the anti-yes and therefore a word to be avoided at all costs. but it really often just means weight or I am not comfortable with that. Learn how to hear it calmly. No is not end of negotiation but the beginning.
Saying no makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control. So, trigger it. By saying what they don't want, your counterpart defines the space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you.
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into No. That means intentionally asking a ridiculous question like, It seems like you want this project to fail?.
Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth you are. It's about other party convincing themselves that solution you want is their own idea.So, don't beat them with the logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals.
If potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with clear and concise NO oriented question that you suggests That you are ready to walk away. Have you given up on this project? Works wonder.

5 Trigger the two words that immediately transform any negotiation

That's Right Strategy

In this strategy, you basically spend some time with opposite party. Try to understand what they are really passionate about, or what do they care about? So you can Adjust your pitch as per their requirement. We can do this by using this following tactics.

Effective Pauses : Silence is powerful. Let your user talk until all emotion drained out from the dialoage.
Minimal Encouragers : Besides silence, what you can do is just use simple phrases like Yes, Ok, Aha, I see to effectively convey your user that you are paying full attention to him.
Mirroring : Rather than arguing, just listen and repeat back what your user said.
Labeling : Give user spelling a name and identify how he felt like " It all seems so tragically unfair. I can now see why you sound so angry?"
Paraphrase : Repeat what user is saying back to him in his own words.This will powerfully show him that you really understand and aren't just parroting his concerns.
Summarize : A good summary is the combination of re-articulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgement of emotions underlying that meaning. (Paraphrasing + Labelling= Summary)

Key Lessons

The power of getting to that understanding and not to some simple yes is never realized in art of negotiation. The moment you have convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings, Mental and behavior changes become possible and the foundation for breakthrough has been laid.

Creating unconditional positive regards opens a door to changing thoughts and behavior. Humans have innate urge towards socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.
that's right is better than yes. Reaching death right in negotiation creates breakthroughs.
Use a summary to trigger that's right. The building blocks of a good summary are labeled combined with paraphrasing. identify, re-articulate and emotionally affirm.

6 Bent Their Reality

Don't compromise

We don't compromise because it's right. We compromise because it's easy and because it saves face. We compromise in order to say that at least we got half the pie. We compromise to be safe. Most people in negotiation are driven by fear or by desire to avoid pain. Too few are driven by their actual goal.

So, don't settle and here is a simple rule, never split the difference. Creative solutions are of almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion and conflict. Accommodation and compromise produce none of that. You got to embrace the hard stuff. That's where the great deals are. And that's what great negotiator do.

The "Fair" Word

The most powerful word in negotiation is prayer. As a human beings, we are mightily swayed by how much we feel we have been respected.People comply with agreements if they feel they have been treated fairly and lash out if they don't.

Early on in negotiation, I will say, "I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So, please stop me at any time if you feel I am being unfair and we will address it."

This is simple and clear and set me up as an honest dealer. With this statement, I let people know that it's okay to use that word with me if they use it honestly. As a negotiator, you should strive for reputation of being fair.

Anchor Their emotion

To bend your counterparts' reality, you have to start with the basics of empathy. So start out with an accusation audit, acknowledging all of their fears. By anchoring their emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame the other side's loss and aversion so that they will jump at the chance to avoid it.

In simple terms, just set their expectation very low. so they are more willing to accept the deal in order to avoid loss

Let the other guy go first

Meaning of this rule is just never open with your offer. Let the other guy go first. So you can understand what they are thinking and adjust your approach based on that. This is specially useful when you don't know the market value of whatever you are offering.

Offer something NonMonetary

In simple terms, if you can't offer or can't agree on some specific deal, you can offer something that has don't have any value to you, but it can have very high value to other parties.

Key Lessons

Compared to the tools discussed in previous chapter, the techniques here seems concrete and easy to use. But many people shy away from them because they seem manipulative.to them it feels like cheating.

In response, let me just say this. These tools are used by all the best negotiators. We are emotional irrational beasts who are irrational in predictable in pattern filled ways.

Spitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoes. Don't compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.
Approaching deadline entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interest.
The fair word is emotional term people usually exploit to put other side on defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the fair bomb, don't get suckered into concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you are mistreating them.
You can ban your counterpart's reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be.When you get to the numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your real offer more reasonable
People will take more risk to avoid a loss than realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

7 Create the Illusion of control

He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.

Key Lessons

Who has control in conversation? The guy listening or the guy talking? The listener, of course.

That's because the talker is revealing information while the listener, if he is trained well, is directing the conversion towards his own goals.He is harnessing the talker's energy for his own goal.

Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of negotiation.
Avoid question that can be answered with yes or no, like tiny pieces of information. This requires little or no thought and you will be expected to give something in return.
Ask calibrated questions. Let's start with the words how or what.By asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and it will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information
Don't ask questions that start with why. Unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you, why is always an acquisition in any language.
Calibrate your question to point your counterpart towards solving your problem.This will encourage them to expand their own energy on coming up with a solution.
Bite your tongue. When you are attacked in negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions.

8 Guarantee Execution

Key Lessons

Superstar negotiators know the negotiation is playing field beneath the words, Where really getting to good deal involves detecting and manipulating subtle, non-obvious signals beneath the surface. It is only by visualizing and modifying these Subsurface issue that you can crack the great deal and make sure that it is implemented.

Ask calibrated how questions and ask them again and again. Asking how keeps the counterparts engaged but off-balance. Answering the questions will give them illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands.
Use how questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using "how can I do that?" as a gentle version of no. This will push your counterpart to search for other solution, your solution.
Is the yes real or counterfeit? Test it with the rule of three. Use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. it's really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction
Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humour and humanity are the best ways to break the ice adn remove roadblocks.

9 Bargain Hard

What Type are you?

Your personal negotiation style and that of your counterpart is formed through childhood, schooling, family, culture and a million other factors. By recognizing it, you can identify your negotiating strengths and weaknesses and adjust your mindset and strategies accordingly.

Negotiation style is a crucial variable in bargaining. If you don't know what instinct will tell you or the other side to do in various circumstances, you will have massive trouble gaming out effective strategies and tactics.

You and your counterpart have habits of mind and behavior. Once you identify them, you can leverage them in strategic manner.

Here is quick guide to classifying the types of negotiator you are facing and tactics will be most fitting for you.

Analyst

They are methodical and diligent.
They are not in big rush. Instead, they believe that as long as they are working towards the best result in systematic way, time is of little consequences.
The self image is linked to minimizing mistakes and the motto is as much time as it takes to get it right.
They prefer to work on their own and rarely deviate from their goals.
They rarely show emotion and often use what is close to FM DJ voice that we have discussused in chapter 1 (Normally speak in slow and measured tones.)
This puts people off without them knowing and it actually limits them from putting their counter part at ease and opening up to them.
Analysts try themselves on not missing any details in their preparation. They will research for 2 weeks to get the data they might have gotten in 15 minutes at negotiating table just to keep from being surprised. Analyst hate surprises.
They are reserved problem solver, information aggregators and hypersensitive to reciprocity. They will give you a piece but if they don't get a piece in return within certain period of time they will lose trust and will disengage.

If you're analysit - you should be worried about cutting yourself off from essential source of data, your counterpart. - The single biggest thing you can do is to smile when you speak. People will be more forthcoming with information to you as a result. - Smiling can also become a habit that makes it easy for you to mask any moments you've been caught off guard.

Accommodator

The most important thing to this type of negotiator is the time span building relationship.
Do you think as long as there is three flowing continuous exchange of information, time is being well spent?
As long as they are communicating, they are happy. Their goal is to be on great terms with their counterpart. They love win-win.
They want to remain friends with their counterpart even if they can't reach an agreement. They are very easy to talk to, extremely friendly and have pleasant voices.
If your counterparts are sociable, peace-seeking, optimistic and poor time managers, they are probably accommodators.
Due to their tendency to first activate the reciprocity cycle, they may have agreed to give you something they can't actually deliver.
While it is very easy to disagree with them because they want nothing more than what you have to say, uncovering their objection can be very difficult. Sometimes they will leave those areas unaddressed out of fear of conflict.

If you're Accommodator - Stick to your ability to be very likeable but do not sacrifice your objections - Not only other two types need to hear your point of view. If you are dealing with another accommodator, they will welcome it. - Be conscious of excess ticket, other two types have no use for it. And if you are sitting across the table from someone like yourself, you will be prone to interaction where nothing gets done.

Assertive

Assertive types believe time is money. Every wasted minute is a wasted dollar. Their self-image is linked to how many things they can get accomplished in a given period of time. For them, getting the solution perfect isn't as important as getting it done.
Assertives are fiery people who love winning above everything else, often at the expense of others. They have aggressive communication style and don't worry about future interactions.
They want to be heard and not only they want to be heard, they don't have actually ability to listen to you until they know that you have heard them. They focus on their own goals other than people.
When you are dealing with assertive types, it is best to focus on what they have to say. Because once they are convinced you understand them, then only then they will listen for your point of view.
Mirals are a wonderful tool with this type. So I calibrated questions, labels and summary.
The most important thing you can get from assertive will be that's right.
When it comes to reciprocity, this type is of give an inch and take a mile mentality. They will have figured they deserve whatever you have given to them, so there will be oblivious to expectation of owing something in return.
They will actually simply be looking for opportunity to receive more. If they have given some kind of concession, they are surely counted in just seconds until they get something in return.

If you're an assertive - Be particularly conscious of your tone. You will be not intended to overly harsh but you will often come out of that way. - Intentionally soften your tone and work to make it more pleasant. - Use calibrated questions and labels with your counterpart since that will also make you more approachable and increase the chances of collaboration.

Ackerman Plan

Set your target price.
Set your first offer at 65%.
Calculate 3 raises of decreasing increment to 85, 95 and 100%.
Use lot of empathy and different ways of saying no to other side to counter before you increase your offer.
When calculating the final amount, use precise numbers like 37,893 rather than 38,000.
On your final number, throw in non-monetary item to show you you are at your limit.

Key Lessons

Identify your counterparts negotiating style. Once you know whether they are accommodator, assertive or analyst, you will know the correct way to approach them.
Prepare, prepare, prepare. When pressure is on you, you don't rise to the occasion. You fall to the highest level of your preparation. So design an ambitious goal and game out the labels, calibrated questions and responses you will use to get there.
Get ready to take a punch. Kickass negotiators usually lead with extreme anger to knock you off your game. And if you are not ready, you will flee to your maximum without a fight.
Set your boundaries. Learn to take a punch and punch back without any anger. The guy across your table is not a problem. Situation is.
Prepare an Ackerman Plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you will need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offer. Remember, it's 65, 85, 95, and 100%.

10 Find the Black Swan

Every case is new. We must let what we know guide us but not blind us to what we do not know. We must remain flexible and adaptable to any situation. We must always retain a beginner's mind. We must never overvalue our experience or undervalue the information and emotional realities served up moment by moment in whatever situation we face.

Finding black swans is not easy task. We are all some degree to blind. We do not know what is around the corner until we turn it. By definition, we do not know what we don't know.

The problem is that conventional questioning and research techniques are designed to confirm non-known and reduce uncertainty. Negotiation will always suffer from limited predictability.

No matter how much research our team has done prior to interaction, we always ask ourselves why are they communicating what they are communicating right now. Remember, negotiation is more like walking on a tightrope than competing against an opponent. Focusing so much on one end objective will only distract you from the next step and can cause you to fall off the rope. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the next as long as all steps are completed.

Three types of leverage

Leverage is the ability to inflict loss and withhold gain.

Black swans are leverage multipliers. They give you upper hand.

Positive leverage

Positive leverage is quite simply your ability as a negotiator to provide or withhold things that your counterpart wants.
Positive leverage is when you found out like if your investor want to buy your house but you are in no hurry to sell your house or you can withhold as long as you want.
It should also improve your psychology during the negotiation. You have gone from a situation where you want something from your investor to situation where you both want something from each other.
When you have a leverage, you have power. You can make their desire come true, you can withhold it and inflict pain or you can just use their desire to get better deal with another party.

Negative leverage

Negative leverage is negotiator's ability to make his counterpart suffer and normally it's based on threats.
You have a negative leverage if you can tell your counterpart that if you don't fulfill your commitment or don't pay your bill, I will destroy your reputation.
This sort of leverage get people's attention because concept we have discussed loss aversion. As effective negotiators have long known and psychologists have repeatedly proven, potential losses loom larger in the human mind than no similar gains.
Getting a good deal may push us towards making risky bets, but saving our reputation from this section is much stronger motivation.
So, what kind of flex one do you look to be aware of negative leverage?
Effective negotiators Look for the pieces of information that shows what is important to their counterpart. Like
who is the audience
what signifies status and reputation to them
what most worries them.
To find this kind of information, what you can do is go outside of your negotiating table and speak to third party that knows your counterpart.
That said, a word of warning, I do not believe in making direct threats and extremely careful with even subtle ones.
Try to highlight nuclear bombs. There will be toxic residue that will difficult to clean up.
When you show your negative leverage down to your counterpart's throat, it might be perceived as you are taking over the autonomy. People often sooner die than give up the autonomy.A better technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking. Sentences like, "it seems like you strongly value the fact that you have always paid on time."

Normative leverage

Normative leverage is using other parties' norms and standards to advance your position.
If you can show inconsistencies between their beliefs and actions, you have normative leverage. No one likes to look like a hypocrite.
For example, if your counterpart slip debt, they generally pay a certain multiple of cash flow when they buy a company, you can frame your desired price in a way that reflect that valuation
Discovering the black swan that give you normative evaluation can be as easy as asking your counterpart, beliefs and listening openly.

Key Lessons

What we don't know can kill us or our deals, but uncovering it can totally change the course of negotiation and bring us unexpected success. Here are some of the best techniques for flushing out the black swans. - Let what you know guide you but not blind you. Every case is new. So remain flexible and adaptable. - Black swans are leverage multiplier. Remember three types of leverage - positive : The ability to give someone what they want - negative : The ability to hurt someone - normative : Ability to use your counterparts, norms and beliefs with them. - Work to understand your side religion. Dig in into worldview, life and emotion of your counterpart where black swans live - Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share cultural similarity with. - When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren't. So, when you face this situation, search for concerns or hidden desire or bad information. - Get FaceTime with your counterpart. 10 minutes of your FaceTime often reveals more than days of research.